Abs Bowling Shoes
November 28, 2011From yesterday to receive colones observe uniform q is giving away the state and all as each of their children. For none of us is new postulate q 2016 Alan wants to be president again, and this requires leaving a good impression on his government, and more if it supports As an Internet writer, it's my job to have at least some kind of working knowledge of the stuff people are into these days, but sometimes, shit just escapes me. Justin Bieber is one of those things. I know I'm supposed to inherently dislike Justin Bieber, lest I have my Internet comedy card revoked, but still, I'm not really sure why. Does his music suck? No idea. Is he a dick? Couldn't tell you. I've literally spent my entire life up to this moment completely devoid of any real knowledge of the kid. But that's all about to change. Lock up your tweens, moms of the world. Because for the next five days, I'm living like a Justin Bieber fan. Here's hoping I don't get arrested. Clearly, I need to get the dirt on Justin Bieber. I want to read about the hard scrabble youth spent toiling in daddy's saw mill and the wild nights snorting blow off of Usher's well-sculpted abs on the back of a tour bus. A trip to Target yields two Bieber-centric magazines: Bop and M. Next it's on to Barnes and Noble in hopes of finding an actual biography. Instead, I just find another magazine that promises "the real life story." I buy it anyway. Next, it's time to find some music. Because my strict sense of ethics and overbearing state of poverty forbid me from spending money on music, I instead opt for the Internet piracy route, knowing full well that after years of looting the Internet for countless gigabytes of tunes, this will likely be the one download that prompts the RIAA to toss a stun grenade through my window and sue me for $8.6 million in damages. But it's a risk I must take. After compiling all the research materials necessary, it's time to bone up on Justin Bieber. Christ that came out awful. Learn, is what I mean. Study. Whatever. Yesterday, I was completely dismayed to find that this young jerk has two full albums. I'm still hoping to get around to showering this week and this kid is cranking out albums every six hours. And now I have to listen to them. Fuck me. Here goes nothing. I start with My World instead of My World 2.0 because I keep shit chronological whenever possible. Fortunately, the album only has seven songs on it. So I take it back, this kid is lazy as shit. He probably sleeps until noon in the summer and never cleans his room. What a dick. But hey, the kids love it. Teen hormones are a mad house. Also a mad house: my nerves. Because this shit is grating on them, and I'm only three songs in. The fourth song, "Bigger," I shit you not begins with some creep whispering the word "mafia." I don't even have the will to investigate why that may be. Maybe the mob gets the royalties from one song per album as protection money. That would be the shit. Thankfully, the first album goes by rather quickly, what with only having seven songs and all. Good thing too, because it ended with some kind of Frankenstein like amalgam that sounded like "Love Fool" by The Cardigans had sex with "Tainted Love" and gave birth to a baby that speaks only in Autotune. But the party is only halfway finished. The cleverly titled My World 2.0 is up next and kicks off with that "Baby" song that I somehow manage to hear once per day even if I spend the entire day in total silence. It features a guest verse from Ludacris. Way to keep it street, buddy. "Somebody to Love" would sound perfect over the closing credits to Mannequin 6: The Reckoning. That movie doesn't exist and that sentence isn't very descriptive, but I think you know exactly the kind of song I'm speaking of. I hope you do, because I'm done talking about it. The rest of the album keeps up at the same pace. Basically, the kind of shit kids go nuts over. By the time it's all over, I guess I understand why the music is so popular, but goddamn "Who Let the Dogs Out" was popular too. I never saw an army of 12-year-old girls lose their shit over the Baha Men. So I'm still at a loss. Maybe a little reading will help. Having learned next to nothing after several hours spent celebrating the entire Bieber catalog, it's time to dive into the reading material. Here's what I found out, the results.. probably won't shock you. Yep, it's an article all about what the kid's hair feels like. I'm already completely confident that I'd rather go back to listening to the albums including bonus tracks, studio outtakes and demos than to sift through this insanity. But I have a job to do. I'm here to find out everything I can about what the kids are into, and the kids are into Justin Bieber. And his fucking hair, apparently. By the way, sorry to keep you in suspense, the hair – it's soft. Take note for future reference. M is proving to be ridiculously light in the way of information. But when it comes to fun, they know what people like! For example, check out this poster that allows you to fill in the talk bubble next to the Biebs head!. I'm also treated to my first bit of real information on page 69 in the form of this chart that assures me that Justin Bieber is compatible with every chick that would ever purchase this magazine. Right on, now we're learning some shit. For example, did you know Justin Bieber is a total fraud and Nick Cannon really needs a goddamn job?. If you're going to pass yourself off as a abs bowling shoes pro, at least put your finger in the damn hole. Nobody bowls that way Bieber! FYI, telling a 16-year-old kid to "put their finger in the damn hole" is illegal in 38 states. The other 12, somehow, are all Alabama. But the information really starts flowing with a section called "Justin A – Z." I've taken the liberty of summarizing some of the highlights. You're welcome. Life Story proved to be by far the biggest disappointment. It was mostly just a collection of all this same shit, except the entire magazine was dedicated strictly to Justin Bieber. So, basically, I could have saved myself 10 bucks and about two hours of reading and scanning by just buying that one. The rage now bubbling inside me at the realization that I'll never get this time back is only quelled by finding this picture, which strikes me as quite possibly the most adorable thing ever. Bashing on usually Justin Bieber makes no sense to me; why not just ignore the kid? Even in elementary school, exposed to a wide variety of horrendous bands (not helped by the fact I had some identity issues and really liked to do girl stuff), I simply shrugged them off and went home to play ye old-timey folk and Irish music (appreciation for other genres came later). But this article Bucholz, again demonstrates your brilliance. I wonder how *you* don't have a posse of obnoxious underage chicks and desperate housewives. Then I realize, fortunately for you, their impeachable taste in music probably extends to their taste in comedy. Skip, I need to read the byline before commenting. It reads like a Bucholz article, but you actually went out and did stuff for real. I have never felt the inclination to use the term "mad props" before now, but.. Am I the only one to notice he's missing an arm in the last pic of day 3? Honestly, I think out of everything that was the second scariest thing I saw. The first being that drawing. xD I'm not including the horrible thought of thousands of little kids being crammed into one arena like that waiting for.. what? A kid who has two different words in the only song he gets on the radio?. Remember that article on words that english needs? The first actual picture of Day Four makes Beiber a Backpfiefgesicht. Also, I was listening to Godsmack while reading this. I respect you, man. You are either insane or incredibly brave. Justin Bieber is a fairly attractive young man, a decent singer and is very well marketed. There's really not much to hate on unless you want to sound like a bitter, jealous knob. The worst is the full-grown men who find it necessary to terrorize a teenage boy (like that 40-something year old man who attacked him recently). The poor kid!. Oh I am so glad I am not alone. I've laughed at a few Bieber jokes, but really, it's gotten old. Another generation of girls hit junior high, another teen idol happened. It's easy for hormonal little girls to latch onto a safe-seeming, far-off dream boy, and it's weird and absolutely creepy that full-grown adults (especially men) would so detest the object of their ardor. It's not like he's omnipresent, unavoidable. I ignore Justin Bieber with ease. It looks jealous, but of what? Little virgins squealing over you? Excuse me, I have to vomit. Almost died laughing at "How much ass is this kid crushing that he's already got a favorite girl out of "all the girls" he's "ever known"?". I'm not the only one who thinks that he looks like a girl on that magazine cover, right? I thought everyone was joking, but, shit, it's all true :. When I taught in Korea, the little girls were obsessed with him. Whenever they tried to say he was handsome, I'd counter with "you mean pretty?" In hindsight, I'm not sure that was entirely appropriate behavior for a teacher, but I found it funny at the time, and the boys in the class would laugh. i hate Justin Bieber. He's a douche and he might as well go die in a hole. I'm an 11 year old girl and i'm proud of my father for blasting The Ramones on the radio when i was 3. There's tons of bad music in the world. If people have bad taste he's welcome to make money out of it. Smart boy. He actually has some sense of humour. Watch him on SNL sometime, he's normal when he isn't singing. Why are you reading Cracked if you're an 11 year old girl, incidentally? This is technically adult humor and whatever. Hell, forget the content, there's no way you'd pick up on most of the references. Dear spleenster: Wishing death on ANYBODY is no way to go through life. In fact, it's quite sick. Keep an eye on those feelings, and if they don't go away as you get older, please seek help, for your own good and for the good of the rest of us that have to share this society with you. Please note, I am not kidding, nor being sarcastic or facetious. Remember my comment. Lol, based on your display pic, I'd think you were WAYYY too young to be sounding so much like a grandma.. But whaddaya know.. Here we are!. I heard that he took vocal lessons to prepare for puberty, so I sort of respect him for that. I just wish he didn't, y'know, actually use his vocal chords near recording equipment and microphones.